this moment that i am in right now - my messy hair, the taste of tequila in my mouth from last night, empty bottles everywhere, cravings for a light me up, a handful of conversations that cause me to burst out laughing - this is good. good. good. great.i realised last night (or this morning), in my half-drunken state, that you can’t force or replicate happiness. it’s kinda like love, i guess. it’s really terrifying how most of the time we don’t realise something good that’s in front of us until it’s gone. life is this cosmic experience and all of us, we get to experience it. all of it. these people you have grown to love the company of, recognise them, tell them you love them, keep their warm touches and words safe. this is happiness. hold on to it, lock that feeling within yourself for when you forget. this is sadness, this is cruelty, this is not-getting-out-of-bed-for-two-days, this is rejection, this is disappointment, this is failure. hold on to it, learn from it, grow, do not let it become you. bloom wherever you wish to plant yourself. you are infinite. this is right now. this is happiness. this is fleeting. hold on to it but not too tight. you still need to discover yourself.
eep you’re melting my heart!! sending you good vibes to wherever you are in this beautiful world of ours, my love, you deserve it all.
I don’t know if anyone else does this, and it really might be a cruel thing to do, but lately I’ve been just wanting to nuzzle myself into people just through brief little impact moments. Where it’s inconvenient but only for them. Making statements during the most subtle of times that occurs and reoccurs in our lives. Like abruptly kissing them just before a waiter reaches the table to take their order. Or bringing cherry popsicles along on a summer’s night walk. Or cooking some sort of delicious sweet every Sunday night. Apple pie, maybe. Introducing them to classical tracks that make your heart ache. Bringing them to pick up flowers at local markets and tucking it along their ear. I don’t know. Just because, if you ever lost that person for good, the foundations of those things would never cross their mind without you written all over them. They’d feel a pit in their stomach on a wonderful date as the waiter headed in their direction. Popsicles would bring them back to your sticky skin, and the dark night of heat. The smell of warm apple pie would place them back in the apartment you two shared, and all over again it’d be Sunday night. A pause in an elevator or market when Tchaikovsky begins to play and they’d hear you humming along with it. When they go to pick out flowers for their significant other’s anniversary, or birthday, and all they can think about is what you told them it meant, and your favorites, because not many people have such love for things like that.
I want people to remember me like this. Sudden lip-locks. The smell of Apple Pie. Tchaikovsky. Running bath water. Sweet skin and melting popsicles. Windows open. Unfinished books. Flowers. Down blankets.
I need them to remember me like that.
here’s the thing, i don’t honestly think i have ever fallen in love (romantically anyway). there have been plenty of times when i thought i was in love but i realised that it was just infatuation. i guess it really depends on how you ended up falling out of love with that person and if you ever really never stopped loving them. first loves change you, no matter what. i’ve watched so many people build castles around their hearts because they’re terrified of feeling so vulnerable again, or they try and seek out that feeling of love again because doesn’t it feel good to be loved? i don’t know, i’ve never been in love. i can’t speak from experience, only from observations. also, there’s no need to worry my dear, i am more than okay, i’m pretty damn happy actually. things are getting clearer. i just write a lot about moments when i am not okay because i gotta get these thoughts out of me you know? i don’t want to be consumed so this is my outlet. thank you for caring, you are a kind soul.
Drunk and not in love
yeah dude everyday is a struggle but i always tell myself to take it one day at a time (cue jordin spark’s “one step at a time” playing softly in the background) and i always make plans that i can look forward to (for example yesterday work was hella long and tiring and i was like after work i am going to go walk around the city and buy some new clothes and then my manager was like can you stay ‘til closing and i was like hella no i already have plans). life is a struggle but i tell ya it’s pretty damn worth it.
i am so happy that my dumb blog makes you happy!! love u to the edge of the observable universe pal :-))